In Perfect Serenity.

It does not matter to me anyway

2012-02-02T00:28:00.001+08:00

End this pain.

2012-02-01T21:30:00.001+08:00

Seriously, I rather study, run 8 clic, starve myself, do nothing everyday than go to work.

Just how stress and demanding can this get? I kept telling my mom and bro that I want to quit. But I just don't know how to quit.

How I wish my mom can barge into the office and drag me out forcefully. She'll be my knight in shining armour.

Yesterday was sad. Today is miserable. I really want this to end. Fucking want this to end.

I don't remember when was the last time that I really enjoy doing something.

At office, I feel like a caged bird. Because I'm alone, I silently do things against my will and act like I'm perfectly fine with it. Why can't I be more courageous and let him have a piece of my mind?! Let him know that I'm aware of the exploitation that's going on.

Thinking about it, exploitation is actually "learning" in his dictionary. Euphemism huh.

Yeah yeah I did learn. The ugly side of human that is. And how you should speak up for yourself before things aggravate and when there's no turning back.

OMG, on a side note. I'm so inspired by MOE's advertisement that I want to teach. How how. I just love the school atmosphere and how teachers and students work together to achieve great things. :') I really love and respect all my teachers. They are awesome beings.

It's really sad that the mercenary part of me is stopping me from pursuing this dream.

Roller Coaster.

2012-01-31T23:17:00.007+08:00

Hi Blog,

Today is a sad day. :(

I hope I can get out of this soon. But for now, I can only bear with it.

Tell me, am I really dumb (question applies to my intelligence and the decision to not leave)?

If I stay, I'll only receive more insults on my intelligence and capability when I make more careless mistakes. I am expected to know everything, but I'm just a greenhorn.

Why don't I leave the place? Not like I really need the money. Not like there's anyone worthy of me to stay on. Not like I'll bear any consequences other than feeling sorry.

D tore open my healing wound and lick it with his acid tongue.

My ability (to study, to do work) is really the one thing that I'm most concern of. I know I'm no good, but please don't tell it in my face because I'm always trying to be better. No one will probably see it. I'm never good enough to be seen. It really sucks when you're already trying and people still want to put you down.

I should start revising for tuition soon.

P.S. Dear blog, aren't you glad you're just a virtual thing? For if you're a physical journal, you'll be soaking wet by now.

Hmpfff.

2012-01-31T02:07:00.001+08:00

Work sucks from today onwards. Got told off by boss on a Monday morning. Monday blues just intensified to a navy.

Well.. He didn't scold me. But whatever he said makes me feel like I haven't been using my brain. Plus I don't think I've been scolded in school for the last 2 years since I'm practically silent in class. So today marks the first day of being chided. :( and I see more coming, double :(

Better still, Jowyne's gonna say buh bye tomorrow and life will suck even more because no one more senior will be there to defend me. This is the cruel reality.

I feel cheated because what I'll be made to do is beyond what an admin job entails. I'm doing more work & yet I'm still earning that meagre amount? Dumb ar.

If..

2012-01-30T21:40:00.001+08:00

If only I'm part of a triplet. I'll have 2 other blood-related 18 year-old to talk to, to shop, and to be telepathic with.

I'm so sick of being alone. Always the only one at home. Am I part of anybody's life?

When the night falls.

2012-01-27T00:59:00.004+08:00

Three random thoughts on my mind.

1. To find out the purpose of my life (ASAP).

Which can also refer to the eureka moment when I finally discover where my passion lies in.

2. To be able to dress well, like people in tumblr and lookbook.

3. To be a good tutor.

Catch up with Tag and Monmon (& Ram) today. :) It's good to see them again. My friends (or is it me) seem to be in another dimension over the past few weeks. On a side note, the more I see Monice & Ram together, the more I think they'll last. Acting like an old married couple already.

Have been doing a fair bit of introspection and figured out what I need to do to improve myself.

Firstly, I have to stop complaining (or whining. OMG.) about stuffs and feel blessed for what I have. Secondly, I have to think more about others. Thirdly, I have to stop escaping from reality. Just face the damn thing, bitch.

There are so many things I should do to improve myself.

I want to learn 2 more languages. French and something else. & Improve my lousy English too. :(

I want to go for etiquette classes.

I want to be fit.

I want to learn.

I want to stop screaming at my parents when they annoy me.

I want to love everything I'm doing.

I want to leave no regrets (regret - not because I did something wrong, but not daring to dream big)

I want to start a business.

I want to do my best in everything I've decided to pick up (is there a limit to "your best"? Will I ever think that I've done enough?)

I want to have a dream.

I want to realise my dream.

My life is meaningless if I'm aimless. & the traces of donut-oil-taste that lingers in my mouth is truly revolting. I'm not eating donuts for life.

Good night blog. I need to eat less.

Moolah rolling in

2012-01-26T22:20:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

Daniel found me 2 tuition jobs and I'll have to do some revision soon.

Back from Bangkok

2012-01-25T19:38:00.001+08:00

Ambivalence. Happy that I'm back at home, sad that I'm away from shopping and going back to work. :(

Mom and bro can't get enough of Thai massage, so we went on both nights. And in the morning, I wake up to find bruises on my legs. But it was good.

I love Thailand. The food's good, people's humble & nice and I even like their language; so gentle and soft.

I feel kinda bad for the taxi driver/shop owner and whoever my mom bargained with. I think I will never do that to anybody in the future.

Wanted

2012-01-22T01:51:00.001+08:00

This week has been a really busy week. I've worked for 6 days. Mad tired but yet still sleeping at 2-3 am everyday.

Went waitressing with Chyn today at Praelum wine bistro. ^^ and we were treated to drinks by our manager, prolly because of the festive season?! Dear Pong concocted pear martini for us, the way he prepares the drink is really awesome.

Now I have this problem. I don't know how to appreciate alcoholic drinks. Not that I don't appreciate; I just lack the expertise y'know. And I found out that I'm not a fan of sweet alcohol.

I wonder if there's any way for me to learn how to appreciate alcoholic drinks without having to drink them. The after effects are really quite bad. I'll turn into a cow with pink patches all over.

I like rum.

Difference

2012-01-19T23:43:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

Today is the forth day of work, and boss ain't around the whole day, but somehow we're still quite occupied by our tasks. Lunch's good as per always.

The main point of this post is not about work. Something just happened and I'm quite upset about it. Not for myself but the fact that 'it' does happen in life.

Not angry at anyone or anything but whatever happened just troubles me.

Does the difference in a person's race enhance/reduce how desirable he is of receiving our help? To me it's a resounding no because they are ultimately humans and are equally deserving of help. It is the urgency that is different.

There's a tendency for us to want to help the poor in Africa and SEA more than impoverished parts of China. Because the poor is a larger fraction of the country? Or because we think that China is not a country that is AS affected by poverty?

To me, this thinking is kind of faulty. Firstly, having more of them doesn't mean that they are in a sorrier state; they may be in the same plight. And secondly, having more of the needy doesn't necessarily mean that we get to help more of them because your ability to provide aid is actually still the same.

And I kind of think that it is not right to only want to help the "poorest". What about the "poorer"? For example, if everyone wants to help Africa then who helps China? Then are the poor Chinese suppose to continue to lead their tough life? & imagine a maimed kid in China dying of hunger because he's not the poorest and hence don't deserve our help. This is not right, right?

Actually come to think of it, the "poorest" is also a part of the "poorer". When you consider it with respect to the people in first world countries. However, they can also be different when you think of it in the hierarchal manner.

Anyway, my point is that when we decide to help, helping the poorer ("poorer" + "poorest") will be the best. Any differences shouldn't affect our desire to help. Because no matter what, your help to whoever less fortunate will still result in a better life however insignificant the improvement may be. So does it matter whether it is the "poorest" or "poorer"? Because what I hope to achieve when helping one out is just to make someone's day or even life better, hence it doesn't matter to me.

But when given a choice, it would be a dilemma that I'll be stuck in forever.

I need to think more. Entering datas everyday is not a good brain exercise. I feel like doing chemistry. I want to learn about the world.

Love,
Me, who wants to think.

Good things never last

2012-01-18T21:38:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

Today is my third day at work. Helped to collect CNY cards from the society for the physically disabled in the morning.

Lunch was yummy again - bah chor mee. Jowyne and Brandon are both so nice; haven't met people this friendly yet!

The 2nd half of the day sucked even though I completed my job. Jowyne told me that she's gonna quit. And in an hour time, she resigned. :(

I'm really sad. 10% - I have to work alone + 90% - I won't see her at work :( It's abnormal for me to feel THIS sad because I've only known her for 3 days. But the kindness and the help she rendered these 3 days is sufficient for me to cry on the day she leaves. Minus all the public holidays, I'll only have a little more than a week with her.

#nowplaying make me wanna die - the pretty reckless. How apt.

My first!

2012-01-16T23:41:00.001+08:00

Dear serenade-.bs.com,

Today is my first day at work. I thought that it will be good that I arrive at the office earlier. Little did I know that I would be locked outside. :'(

Work got more smooth sailing towards the end of the day. And I'm glad that Jowyne is such a amiable and sweet lady. She helped me so much and brought me around the area. :)

My feet hurts even though I didn't stand for long and didn't wear heels. Why why?! Because Zara footwear sucks. :(

At work, I lost appetite, lost vitality and lost my body temperature. I'm suspecting that the AC's 14C or something. This kind of lowers productivity you know (when your fingers and brain are so chilled).

Let tomorrow be a better day.

Anyway I dreamt that Daniel Pok died from a gunshot. It was so tragic that I can still feel how much my heart ached.

Dear gods, please keep my family and friends safe.

Love,
Me.

Pissed off

2012-01-16T00:11:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

It's 2346 and I'm still awake. I need to wake up at 7 tomorrow! I'll sleep after telling you things that are bothering me now.

I feel that I'm the dumbest person on earth for accepting my current job. It doesn't pay well and there's no CPF. I don't really get to make new friends except for 2 friendly adults. The office is not very accessible, which means I have to walk quite a bit. And I'm not even sure if I'll get to pick up any new skills that would be useful in the future.

If the pay is good, I wouldn't feel this bad because at least I get to heal myself with retail therapy.

And if I get to make new friends, I wouldn't feel this bad because new (and genuine) friendships are priceless.

And if I get to learn new and super useful skills, I wouldn't feel this bad because they will come in handy one day.

On hindsight, I should have taken up the social work+admin job at Bedok because it will be much more meaningful and fulfilling, even if the pay is lower than what I'm gonna get and even if the freaking adult fare is so expensive.

And what's most infuriating is that the value they attached to my time is kind of insulting. I think my time is worth more than that. Or at least I can spend my time doing something more meaningful. But this is my own fault since I said okay myself.

I don't really know how to quit or fight for better welfare in such situations.

What a stupid gal. Fuck you Sereney.

See, my self-hate is acting up. And I start scolding myself without feeling any better. But I'll just keep scolding. FML, I don't know what I'm doing. Someone tell me how to un-hate self and what to do now.

Love,
fucking me. Go eat shit.

One.

2012-01-14T02:27:00.001+08:00

:((((((( I'm so lonely. I need a sister. Or cats?! Whenever I'm at home, no one talks to me. Everyone does their own things. I'm only needed when they are bored or when they need help. Why can't they feel bored/need help more frequently.

I feel bad for texting someone just because I'm bored. Like I'm wasting their precious time. That shall be my last resort.

I guess everything will be better once work starts. I have to be busy.

Anyway I have been eating loads of nissin cup noodles and drinking loads of sparkling apple/passion fruit. Just too delicious.

For my last 2 days, I shall spend it learning verse 2 of superbass. And yes you'll get slapped if you're looking hoe.

Intermittent explosive disorder.

2012-01-13T03:13:00.001+08:00

Okay I'm a little angry now. I can't sleep at night and I hate to wake up when it's about time for lunch.

And I hate afternoons because it is so freaking sunny and StarHub keeps replaying the same ole serials.

I have turned nocturnal. & I want to eat chawanmushi now at 3 a.m. I'm mad. I'm confused. My brain doesn't tell me what I need.

Room tour :)

2012-01-12T22:22:00.005+08:00

It's been a week plus since my new furniture came in and all. Everything's in place but somewhere something is still lacking! I wonder if it's a couch, a cupboard/shelf for storage.

So far this is how my room looks like:

My bed! Wanted this since sec 4 and now it's finally in my room, along with the care bears that greet me every morning! Bolster ftw!

The view from my bed. My golden wall frame! I loved it so much until my brother told me that it looked scary. And from then on I only like it because of my wild imagination. It is still pretty to me though. The first time I d-i-y my furniture.

Close up. I'm so obsessed with Victorian-style furniture. My future home will all be styled like that.

My wardrobe serves me well. But the handles have not been fixed because I painted them gold only a few hours ago, with the support of people on twitter.

See the gold and the original. The diff is quite subtle in this pic though.

Bedside table. It's so cute and the details are so intricate.

And I love the fact that they distressed it a little, to give it a more cottage look.

The light! It was originally on the ceiling of my living room but I told my mom that it would suit my room better, so it ended up in my room.

Oh god, please let me find the missing piece in my room!

Wonderstruck.

2012-01-12T01:50:00.007+08:00

Being artistic today. I painted so many things! My wall frame, my curtain rail and my wardrobe handle. They are now gold and distressed! & they look vintage-y and antique-y, which I absolutely adore. ^^

Was at a florist with mom earlier and I finally know why girls love flowers so much. Before visiting the huge ass Far East flora, I was never a flower person, I mean the flowers will eventually die, & it's beauty is not everlasting right? But after today I think I'm a convert, but only if the flowers appear as a roomful.

Anyway I was so fascinated (that I could faint) by this rose that consists of petals with a different colour each. Like a rainbow rose?

At that moment I was inspired to be a florist, like how I was inspired to be a fireworks technician when I saw fireworks live during countdown. I guess I'm just a sucker for anything pretty and colourful. Look at how perfect they are.

Haaaaahhh~ the visit to the florist really made my day. Now I can sleep in peace.

Annoyed

2012-01-11T16:26:00.001+08:00

I was about to post about something warm and fuzzy until my dad pissed me off.

Listening to what he says (repeatedly) can really send me to my grave.

The way he attract attention is so fucking annoying that I feel like gagging him up.

Kept saying things that make him sound so pitiable. Come on luh, how old are you, don't resort to such childish tactics. Can't you see that whatever you said doesn't work on us.

Got no idea why he has to dramatise everything and describe himself as an unwanted old folk. Please, the more you do this the more we don't care.

Words that come out of his mouth just doesn't make any sense at all.

Listening to him makes me an angry and impertinent daughter.

Bits of thoughts

2012-01-10T23:54:00.004+08:00

I love the MV of The one that got away. The regret is portrayed so beautifully that it breaks my heart.
I love mustard colour.
Sparkling water is better than sprite.
I enjoy rearranging my furniture. So physically demanding yet super satisfying.

Today was a pretty hilarious day. I wanted to move my wardrobe closer to the wall, so I asked my maid to help me. The both of us pushed, and nothing happens. So I decided that we need a man. And that's my brother. He came and the three of us pushed with all our might, and still nothing happened. The thought of it just makes me laugh because the sight of three retards pushing one wardrobe is just funny.

And when I say "all our might", it means our veins have already surfaced to become visible + we had bloodshot eyes + we made the "uhhhhhh" sound tgt. My thigh muscle could have cramped. Still, the wardrobe stands firmly at the same spot. -.- Daniel pok cursed me after that. Haha.

Angel.

2012-01-10T13:33:00.003+08:00

Here's another video for you. I can cry watching this. Haven't seen anything so humane for the longest time.

This reminded me of the hit-and-run case in China where a 2 year-old girl got hitted by two cars. And despite noticing the victim, 18 heartless people walked by.

This is really atrocious. Firstly, how can you run over someone who just got ran over?? Secondly, what's so difficult bout pressing the keypad 4 times? Just how many cells of yours get killed? You're killing a life right there by watching.

But there were occasions where I behaved like them too (although not as serious to the point that life and death is concerned). Indifferent and didn't want to take things in my own hand.

I'll not be like that anymore. Think of the difference you could have made! Sending someone to the ER a few minutes earlier could mean life instead of death.

Haha. I must be bored.

Discrimination

2012-01-10T13:31:00.002+08:00

This video is just sad. I feel so strongly against racism after watching this.

So what if the minorities are the minority in the country. That's just a number and nothing else. They shouldn't be viewed as inferior human beings. They are just born in another skin colour and they speak a different language. But they are still as precious a life, and they are still as worthy as any one else. It's sad that racial hierarchy exist, and is deeply ingrained in our minds. However, it's existence doesn't mean our acceptance right?!

Although most of them may hold low-skilled jobs, they still have a skill that many don't have. Then aren't they skilled in a way? And they are helping our country. So why alienate them when they did nothing wrong (in fact, they are doing things that benefit you, say your houses/shopping malls etc.)?

Fortunately racism is not a problem in Singapore. And I'm real grateful for that! :)

I shall treat my maid, no, my domestic helper with more patience.

Urge

2012-01-09T19:39:00.001+08:00

I want to learn a new language or learn something new. This current life of mine is just a waste of time.

I'll play the guitar after dinner.

Changed.

2012-01-09T15:00:00.002+08:00

My blog is slowly turning into a personal twitter. Every now and then I just have thoughts that I really want to tell someone. But they are so random that I don't know who to tell it to. So I shall tell my blog and whoever cares can read it here.

I feel like I've changed. Don't know in what ways. Don't know for the better or worse. But one thing that hasn't change is still the fiery temperament. I get agitated so easily but after ten minutes I'll be like "siao, so angry for what" in my head. I think I have some disorder.

Think

2012-01-09T14:06:00.001+08:00

Have you ever wondered about the purpose of your existence?

I'm still trying to figure out what's mine. At the end of this life, I must have the answer.

Mustard

2012-01-08T22:24:00.001+08:00

Out with Melinda today. We had Best Fries Forever again! It's addictive. :)

I'm so into self-manicures now. I feel like changing nail colour every three days. Bought this mustard colour one just now.

I wonder how we find out where our passion lies. I'm so envious of people who knows what they want in life and are so sure of it. I'm still floating around aimlessly.

Shall list out what I like and what drowns me in satisfaction.

1. Helping someone in need.
I just feel so so good after doing a kind deed. So much that my heart will flutter and I'll keep smiling (in my heart) for the rest of the day.

2. I think I like science. I enjoy chemistry. And I think I enjoy biology too. It's just awesome that chemicals can have such profound effects on the human body. I'm really interested in how they work. Makes me feel knowledgable and all. :)

3. I'm so into fashion and beauty. But I know that I'm not that fashion-fast-forward that I can survive in the fashion industry. So I'll just continue to be the taker.

4. Hmmm.. I'm quite hyped whenever I think of running a business. But I don't know what to sell. Maybe helping someone sell their product? Not salesgirl luh duh! Biz? Marketing?!

I really want to do something that I truly like. Because I believe that if I'm really interested, no matter how hard the subject is, my passion for it will keep me going.

Everything comes too fast. I'm still not ready to take on whatever life has installed for me. And making decisions for myself is probably the toughest thing! :( I shall overcome that soon.

I hope everyone gets to enter their ideal course! :)

Flash back, replay.

2012-01-07T23:41:00.012+08:00

Had team outing today! Sadly only the 2 caps and I can make it. But it was fun too! Went to walk around at Far East to look for Lynnie's work shoe. Bought this ice horlicks/ovatine and was kinda full after finishing it. I got no idea why milky drinks make me so full. & coffee with milk either gives me diarrhea or nausea. I guess I'll stick to unsweetened lipton and BB tea.

Okay and I Seoul gardened for the second time of the week. I wanna puke, really. Took lotsa pics and just look at Lynn; I wonder what Hwa Chong did to her.

Okay she's fine here. And I like that my hair shows up brown here.

Look at the mad girl, smelling clams?

Just look at her.

Nuff said.

Siao gao.

Okay we should have newer or more mature ideas. I can totally envision us doing this sorta poses even after we enter motherhood.

Finally normal.

Eating bushes now. Mad again.

Our nails are painted, so Wanjun became the tester.

Hehe. Had fun with them :) Bought a bin for myself so I can aim my choc/sweet/snack wrappers from my bed. Gonna place it somewhere strategic where I can da ban and score. How convenient. I can practise some basketball skillz and keep it intact, someday it might come in handy!

Haha anyway Wanjun brought this letter I wrote to her back in 2005, when we're P6. I read it and burst out laughing. It's about this guy I was "with" then, and how flirty he is. He kept falling for the other girls (3 according to the letter) while "with" me and I kept forgiving him. The way I wrote it made me sound like I'm super "magnanimous". Something like "since he said that he will only love me from now on/he was stupid for liking other girls other than me then I forgive him lor (I'm quite certain that I was emphasising on 'lor' while writing back then)." OMG. I want to slap my own face and die.

But reading it really brought back many memories. Retarded ones. I don't even remember a thing that's in the letter. Well, one thing I'm sure of is that I've grown up. :) Heng man.

Who knows, when I'm 28, I may be laughing at my current blog entries. I love this feeling though. You relive those moments when you were more innocent, back when things weren't that complicated and troubles are non-existent in your world (well.. maybe not for the 12-year-old me, I have to worry that my "bf" like other girls, haha).

Paradoxical.

2012-01-06T21:50:00.006+08:00

I thought I'll be happier without exams. Apparently not. I feel even more miserable now as I'm unoccupied most of the time (and got no idea what to do) and this idleness escalates to emptiness.

When I'm unoccupied (I'll not use the word "free" as it seems to me that "being free" is something desirable, like being idle yet carefree at the same time) negative thoughts haunt me. As much as I want to put these thoughts away, it is everything but possible.

I really don't wish to blog such sad stuffs all the time but these are truly the only thoughts that run through my mind. Chose to be the pessimist and I'm living with it. One thing I can never understand is optimism. Optimism to me is like self-delusion, a thinking that only serves to comfort oneself temporarily. Imagine the devastation when you're confronted by harsh realities; my heart couldn't take these blows.

At times I really wish to quit my life. Being the oldest child in my family, there's no one here to guide me, and my parents are hopeless when it comes to official matters. Sucks to be me.

Will I ever be liberated from all this shit? After uni, you worry about your career. After having a career you worry about not being able to get a HDB flat to set up your own family. And the troubles and worries go on and on. Till the moment you see the bright white light. Only then will you be able to live in peace. But wait, you're dead, so you only get to rest in peace. Alas, this is life.

I finally know how to describe what I'm feeling - it's like a perpetual silent scream. You're the only who sense the fear, the agony. You want the whole world to know but no matter how hard you try, no one will hear you. Your world consist of you and only you.

And my blog is like this amplifier that allows me to be heard by the other earthlings. They hear this mini scream.

I want to learn French. Someone teach me?

Abstract.

2012-01-06T14:48:00.004+08:00

I can't articulate my thoughts. And this is killing me.

I haven't been utilising my brains much recently. Ever since 1st Dec. It feels weird to not study. The time I spend on twitter and blogger are just not productive.

For once I feel like reading.

Thank God, I think you heard my prayers. Please continue to hear me I beg.

Where?

2012-01-06T00:13:00.020+08:00

I appear to be calm on the surface, like what my name suggests, but no one could ever imagine how violent the undercurrents can get beneath the facade of my pseudo serenity. I can feel absolutely blissful one moment (like yesterday) to feeling so helpless (like now) like I'm the only one who would fend for myself when the sky comes crumbling down.

For the past 3 hours, I've been experiencing ultimate ambivalence. I'm so so happy for my best friends, both of them, for finding their true love. Finding the right one who possesses the unique power to help them pull thru the toughest time and to give them everlasting happiness. And the happiness I have for them can't get any stronger or more genuine. They are perfect for each other like puzzle pieces. One look and you'll know that you are gonna be at their wedding one day.

Then, I can't help but think of myself and the tough times I've had. The tough times that I had to battle singlehandedly. And the nights that I allow myself to breakdown. Because only in the dark, no one could see.

And it's precisely no one could see that I thought to myself that no one could possibly care for me because they don't even know. But I'm just creating this pathetic delusion for myself. Because I know that even if anyone knows, no one would care about what I'm going thru. They just don't have the time and they don't have anything to do with me anyway.

Then you would say your family would care for you. Yes they do. But the kind of care they give aren't the kind I need.

Mom: (me studying) "so stress, don't study already luh."
Dad: (me studying) "you know how to do one or not? Don't know ask people to help you."

Mom, not studying doesn't help to relieve my stress and Dad, your trust and faith is what I need, not your doubts on my ability.

I've been really miserable and is still miserable now because the two person that I can rely on most fail to give me what I need. But I don't want to blame them. This is when I hope for someone who understands my misery to pull me thru.

But feeling so helpless is also what made me grow and realised some things in life.

The happiness and sadness in me are now intertwined. I don't even know what this is.

I am contented with life materially. But I'm an emotional wreck.

Do I not deserve a special someone?

My back hurts so much. But it can't hurt more than my tormented soul.

Divine.

2012-01-05T03:06:00.005+08:00

I wanna thank all the gods for letting me learn such extremely good news.

I really don't know what can be more beautiful than seeing one's dreams come true. This is truly divine. And I'm so sincerely happy for my tutor for getting into Oxford! Till the state that my heart is thumping so hard. I'm mad, not like I'm the one whose getting into Oxford.

But anyway, all the best, Tag!

This is a good sign, it means that I'm not that unfeeling after all.

Pureness.

2012-01-05T01:07:00.010+08:00

Spent the whole day with cutie pie Jaye! :) Stuffed ourselves with lotsa chicken and walked around city hall before heading home to settle my new furniture! :)

We had koi, painted our nails and took some pictures :)

In my P.E. tee! In my all-white room! :) So pure

and ethereal. Me likey~ ^^

My dream bed!

I have lotsa pillow to cuddle. But my fav one is my mini childhood pillow that grandma made for me! I have one and Daniel pok has his one. Mine is made of a cloth identical to one of grandma's shirt. Whenever I look at it, I'll think of her. RIP ah ma. Our childhood pillow will be with us for life, no matter how tattered it gets. We can't fall asleep without it! :) & I love to piss Daniel pok off by stuffing his pillow under my shirt to act like I'm pregnant. Haha.

When I wake up, I'm gonna buy more stuffs to fill up my room to make it more cosy! :)

Thanks mom and dad for the money and effort, you guys drive me nuts most of the time. I'll treat y'all to dinner (individually) after I get my first pay! Stay hungry!

I'm confused.

Forgotten.

2012-01-04T02:33:00.007+08:00

So many things going thru my mind. But I don't know how to write them out. & this sucks because I can't even rant and feel better afterwards.

Brudder and I were lying on our beds and talking about life. It's been 6 years since we last did that (talk till one of us falls asleep) & I realised that he grew up. :') But as usual, he said he hopes that I can quickly find a bf and stop bothering him. This boy here likes to remind me that I'm #foreveralone and worse, getting used to it.

Okay, I know that it's my problem that I'm in this state now. So fierce, so unfriendly and so mean. Nobody would want to talk or know a person like me right? Trying to change but the fierce and especially the unfriendly part is really hard. If only I spoke softer and use milder words. & I tend to shield myself from strangers.

Haiya, I shouldn't think too much. Not like anything will change. Shall start acting more like a girl. The rest I'll leave it to fate.

Chapter 19.

2012-01-03T01:25:00.004+08:00

Hmm.. Shall do a new year resolution post. Without fail, losing weight will always appear on the list. And without fail, I will gain instead. That's why it's perpetually on the list right!

Okay, let's get started. (not in order)

1. Use less obscenities.

I'm trying my best. But that's how i communicate with my brudder. That means I'll have to stop talking to him.

2. Lose weight.

This is really sad. Ever since sec school days, my weight has been 50+. And it increases with age. Sigh. It's prolly peaking nao since I haven't been running around.

3. Be a better person, one that I'm glad I am

Not being able to accept yourself is a really sucky thing. I remember the times when I did/say something which I regretted. The hate you have for yourself is really unbearable because you can't even scold or beat yourself. Even if you could, you prolly feel dumb doing it. And hence, this is obviously infeasible.

& in the new year, I would really want to..

1. *** **** * ***** *******

2. **** ** ****

3. **** ******* *** *********

Quite easy to guess, no? Whatever. Please make them come true. I couldn't ask for more!

Puppet

2012-01-03T00:24:00.003+08:00

I'm just a tool. You love to threaten me with things. I'm not interested in your perceptions but one thing I hope you are fully aware of is that your tricks will never work on me. I did what you said because I don't want to spoil our relationship.

Fucking get this in your head: this will be the last. I'll never be manipulated by you anymore. Please don't think so highly of yourself. I can survive without you. Since you're virtually nowhere in sight most of the time.

& you think you're doing a great job?? Fuck no. Go out and take a look at how other people does it. Stop comparing yourself with less fortunate people. That just makes you pathetic. Or perhaps you find it comforting?

You always say that I only bother you when I need a favour. What about you? Aren't you the same? So what makes you think that you have the right to criticise me when you're guilty of the same act?

In another 2 years, I'll show you whose the boss.

Last kiss.

2012-01-01T04:04:00.001+08:00

I still remember the look on your face
Been through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go away, go away

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
That July 9th the beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in
I'm not much for dancing but for you did

Because I loved your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips, ohh

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
We can plan for a change in weather and time
I never planned on you changing your mind

So, I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd ever last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss, forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips, just like our last

Oxygen mask please~

2012-01-01T02:42:00.003+08:00

What have I been doing for the past 18 years? Counting down to new year at home, in front of the tv? NEVER again!

The fireworks are seriously bee-you-tea-full! It's breathtaking. I was so so awed by it that I thought of being a firework technician. Not kidding. I don't mind creating these beautiful glitters and sparkles that decorate the night sky. A golden waterfall, blooming bouquets of roses, fountains of pixie dusts. A view I will never forget. With classmates around too!

Other than seeing the fireworks, I can hear, smell and even feel it. I don't even rmb what I saw during NDP! Loving every moment of that 8 minutes! I really wanna hug a human and start jumping around. Super high!

Finally know what makes me high. Fireworks. Alcohol only makes my body temp high and nothing else.

我们什么都不是。

Musings

2011-12-29T23:59:00.007+08:00

Night; the time for introspection. The time I think most about life.

Was puzzled as friends around me have this sudden craze over clubbing. Has this got anything to do with being 18? Finally legal and finally entitled to guilt-free indulgences?

I don't like noisy places. And crowded places (any obstacles that hinder my movements irk me most). So naturally a club becomes a place that I would dislike. Somehow I'm not a wee bit curious (as if I should, I'm not giving in to peer pressure and herd mentality!) about how things and humans work in the club. Acting ancient here. I wonder if I'm 18 or 81. I thought not enjoying movies is weird enough.

But everyone's choices should be respected right?

Okay now some family business. I have this love-hate-inspired relationship with momma. Love - when she spends so much money on brudder and I. Braces, buying the best mattress for us, feeding us good food. These are the ways that I recept her love. Not that she doesn't want to show love and concern in a less mercenary way, but we just don't have the time. Hate - so many, I don't even bother to list, but they are always forgotten when another love factor pops up. Inspired - when she does everything herself, her independence awes me inside out. I wanna be like her. Being able to do great things with minimal help. Like when I woke up and learnt that the 1m x 1m box containing a giant crystal chandelier (freaking heavy) is brought up the house all by herself. Not that other women can't do it but not many would choose to settle it themselves.

I guess I treasure the "inspired" part of our relationship most. She doesn't teach me things outright. These virtues are to be extracted on my own. And I like it this way because the whole process is so.. natural; observation, realisation, appreciation, then emulation. Not like you drum something into my head incessantly, at the wrong time when things said doesn't make sense.

Okay my teeth hurt and my eyes are finally dry. Slumber time.

You're hot & you're cold

2011-12-29T21:07:00.004+08:00

This is probably nothing but my wishful thinking.

First.

2011-12-24T16:27:00.004+08:00

Sleepover on the eve of Christmas eve is so fun! the whole night was spent playing the same game over and over again. Haven't had such enjoyable company for some time. I really laughed a lot. And my cheeks still hurt.

I'm glad that I got to know my classmates better! They are so qt paiii~

I know that I will miss them badly.

And I said "bitch" really loudly in other people's house. I should punish myself by not eating dinner.

Insomnia

2011-12-23T01:38:00.004+08:00

When I can't fall asleep and the world around me is still, I can't help but feel lonely.

And loneliness is a funny thing that I enjoy and at the same time so sick of. Or should I say used to? Since I'm home most of the time with my maid and, my maid. The only living thing.

I love to be alone when I have plans. Like to buy stuffs, to bake, or to run. I prefer doing all these alone because I don't like to burden the others. And knowing that your friend doesn't like what you like is a sucky feeling that I'd not want to experience. So the solution is to do everything on my own, my way. Happy and carefree.

I hate to be alone most of the time. When out with not-so-close people or when in big groups, I feel left out at times. Like "hello, can you hear me?!?! I'm still here! Talk to me, reply me!" *waves hands in front of your face* I don't really do that physically, but mentally.

Familia tells me that at the rate I'm going, I don't need a man. Because I love to settle everything myself. I think what they said is true. But I don't want that to happen. There are also times when you need someone to share your troubles and joys right? Or simply just being beside you when you're down. There's no need to say or do anything, being there and a big big hug will suffice. Simple as that.

I think I cause myself all the misery and pain because I'm unwilling to disclose things going thru my mind. For the same reason of not wanting to be a burden to my close friends who would sincerely be concerned about me. They have their own troubles and problems too, and maybe they are experiencing a tougher time than I do. What kind of friend am I if I add on to their misery, albeit unknowingly? Perhaps a robot will be good for me.

I have been blogging so frequently. This goes to show how bored I am.

Mesmerised.

2011-12-23T00:07:00.003+08:00

Love of my life you've hurt me
You've broken my heart and now you leave me
Love of my life can't you see
Bring it back, bring it back
Don't take it away from me, because you don't know
What it means to me

Love of my life don't leave me
You've taken my love and now desert me
Love of my life can't you see
Bring it back, bring it back
Don't take it away from me, because you don't know
What it means to me

You will remember
When this is blown over
And everything's all by the way
When I grow older
I will be there at your side to remind you
How I still love you, I still love you

Back, hurry back
Please bring it back home to me
Because you don't know what it means to me -
Love of my life
Love of my life

This song makes me cry. Why can't I be 2 years older? I would have existed together with Freddie Mercury. I love his voice so so much.

Cold cold heart.

2011-12-22T17:40:00.006+08:00

So colddddddd~ Socks, leg warmers and pullovers are deployed. A nice weather to snuggle in bed with my favourite blanket and care bears.

I think I'm probably spending another lonely Christmas at home :( Maybe I should cook myself a good meal and enjoy it while watching HK/china serials. Food makes things a whole lot better.

I'd love to cook and bake one day. Like the rainbow cake. Looking at it makes me happy already.

Have been packing my stuffs to prepare for my new room. I threw away 74893219391 things (mostly bags) and my drawers are quite empty now. One place I dare not pack: my wardrobe. It's a horror. But if I do, I will donate most of them to salvation army rather than dumping them.

Growing older. Fashion should grow with me too. Another excuse for shopping. I wanna buy bikinis from Victoria's Secret I don't care.

Hopeful romantic, hopeful romantic.

2011-12-22T00:48:00.012+08:00

Today's a day packed with good food. Rubbing my happy tubby nao! Nissin tom yam seafood cup noodles. It tastes so gooood, my ultimate favourite. Fatty bom bom.

I should start exercising if I want to continue to enjoy good food. I can see that my thighs are quite popular with fats, why don't they choose strategic location approximately 55cm upwards?

And I want to manufacture my own clothes. Especially high waisted shorts and maxi skirts. It's so hard to find stunning ones and Spring/Summer '12 is not here yet!

I think I like summer. Summer is: the smell of ripened peaches, embracing the warm sunlight, day dreaming as waves crash on shores and falling in love with the right one. :)

Robots

2011-12-20T20:58:00.010+08:00

I don't have a choice in this but sometimes, I really hope my parents can act like one. One that I can rely and support me thru tough times. The consolation is that they give birth to my brother whose such a darling.

Mom just expressed her disappointment when she learnt that I'm not keen on being a doctor. There goes her bank. I'm positive that's exactly what is going thru her mind. She told my brother, "this person over here is not gonna be a doctor anymore, I'll place all my hopes in you, you must be a pilot."

She's trying to mould our lives for us? Has she ever wondered what the both of us really want? I feel as if I'm living for her, not myself. We're just robots under her control. The both of us purely function as safeguards that ensure that the final phase of her life will be as comfortable as how it is now.

If she really love us, she should be happy no matter what we do right? As long as we enjoy our jobs.

When I was younger, my ambitions change according to her ideals. First a psychiatrist, later a plastic surgeon. All require the study of medicine. She thinks I'm that brilliant?

I don't even have the freedom to choose for myself. You know nothing. Stop deciding our lives for us. Not only doctors and lawyers can earn high incomes. Is luxurious life all you care about? What about our happiness? If I am to listen to her, my career, my marriage and my whole life will be my biggest regrets. Because I have never lived for myself before.

I'm following my own heart.

Blessings

2011-12-19T11:51:00.004+08:00

Although mom, dad and Daniel are annoying and unbearable at times, I still hope that they are happy and safe.

I'm the kind who doesn't know how to express my love so I planted the sweets I got from the temple (okay fine, I'm superstitious) in their personal territories. Please stay healthy and stop quarrelling.

Bitter.

2011-12-17T17:30:00.006+08:00

The scars of your love, reminds me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside of your hand

And you played it, to the beat

Damn

2011-12-17T12:21:00.002+08:00

I should stop acting like a whiny aunty. So annoying.

Dream room

2011-12-16T01:04:00.006+08:00

The bed

The wardrobe

Misc

I can't wait.

Choices

2011-12-15T22:50:00.002+08:00

Oh my tian. Why is choosing an uni course such a chore?? Everything also 4 As! Are Singaporeans that smart, really?!

I think I should be a housewife. & somehow I think I'll be a good one, minus the housework.

Ambivalance

2011-12-12T22:11:00.006+08:00

Had a job interview today. The boss said that my prelim results are quite bad. Which I secretly admitted but have not accepted. I've got no social life at all. I don't need to entertain any of my friends and I'm not in a relationship. That means my life consists purely of school stuffs and some private time with myself. Why on earth am I not doing well? I have all the time right? And all these time were not well-spent I guess. I didn't enjoy being a 17/18 year-old and I didn't get good grades despite such miserable life. What a loser.

I know that I'm not the naturally-smart kind, so I tried to make up the intelligence with diligence. This works at O level, not A level.

"Is this your best?"

I often ask myself when I see my grades. So fucked up. I cause myself all these pain and misery. I'm putting my own future at stake.

"So are you confident of your A levels?"

This sentence just go round and round in my head. Please give me a break. People around me like to convince me or themselves that I'll do well. What for if my ability is just, there?

I know that people meant well when they think or tell me that I'm able to get good grades, but I seriously hate hearing them because they are adding unnecessary stress on me. You are not me and you don't know what I'm going through and you're not the one whose taking the exam or face the consequences of whatever results I get. So shut up.

I always tell my friends not to think too much bout our results because we can't do anything about it. But in the end, I realised that I'm actually the one who kept thinking about it.

I feel so useless and worthless. I've got no talent. I'm not smart. I'm not good-looking. I don't contribute to the society. Nobody needs me right? Why am I here?

Broken mirror

2011-12-11T12:18:00.001+08:00

I don't wish for a loving family. Just a peaceful one will do.

Why do you have to be so mean?

2011-12-11T05:15:00.003+08:00

I'm horrible. My vicious tongue doesn't allow me to process my thoughts at all.

I really have to stop this.

Who am I to judge??

Prom!

2011-12-09T15:50:00.007+08:00

hat a boring prom night! The food was mediocre. I feel much more energetic when we're back in the hotel room! Amongst all the dishes, my fav would be the fish. The rest of them were made to waste calories.

Had fun lazing around the room after prom. Got even more ill but it's okay. I enjoyed the company. Best sleep of the week.

Tranquility

2011-12-07T23:59:00.002+08:00

Had a laid back day at home. Practically did nothing. But I practiced walking in heels and make up today. I'm 180 after wearing heels, 166+14. Hehe. I get to breathe fresher air.

I hope I won't look like a scallop tomorrow. :( Really worried about my hair! Shall sleep soon. Beauty sleep ayyyyy!!

Heartfelt.

2011-12-07T11:52:00.001+08:00

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

It's a love story, baby just say yes

2011-12-06T23:04:00.005+08:00

I just finished watching Breaking Dawn, it is perfect. I love Bella's lullaby. It makes me feel safe from the thunderstorm that's happening outside.

Peach and gold.

2011-12-06T20:18:00.002+08:00

:( Sick.

Prom is in 2 days and I'm not excited at all. At this moment, I thought the money will bring me more satisfaction if it's spent somewhere else. Haiiiiii.. I wonder if my dress is too simple.

I will stop biting my nails because I'm starting to love nail polishes. And the current state of my nails just doesn't do the nail polish any justice! Lovin' rainbow connection by OPI!

Hopefully I can draw my perfect eye line on the 8th. And that my ideal hairstyle will not be a problem for the hairstylist!

Pimples, fats and melanin go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Owwwwww. My feet hurts :'(

2011-12-04T00:23:00.002+08:00

I must be slim for prom! And dear skin, please be a good girl.

Painfully rewarding

2011-12-03T02:33:00.007+08:00

My feet and legs hurt so badly after a day of shopping. I wonder if shopping is as intensive as it use to be. Apparently after 7 months of shopping-free life, I lost the ability to dress up. It's time to pick them up again.

Had good food today, well at least not dabao from J8. Lunch was yumsssss. It would have been perfect if peppermint choco fudge ice-cream concludes the meal. But meh, we're too slow.

At the end of the day, I guess I still belong to or should continue to live in my own bubble. Cos this is the place where I feel the most comfortable; and is where enjoyment is at its best. Why is it that I enjoy solitary more than company? I just love to do things alone. I think this portrays my lack of social skills. I don't even put in effort. This is bad.

The world can do without you. On the contrary, no man is an island.

Paranoia

2011-12-02T03:31:00.003+08:00

Crapz, I just watch Ellen Degeneres show and she featured this couple in a show called virgin diaries. Upon watching the video I was terrified. Because I'm afraid that I may be in their position too.

The video show this 2 person that didn't kiss throughout their entire courtship and when they are finally married and the groom is allowed to kiss the bride, they are literally chewing each other lips! @!?;%?

I don't wanna be like that, so embarrassing! Ahhhhh

Life begins.

2011-12-01T20:06:00.007+08:00

'A' level has finally came to an end. Kind of weird because I didn't expect things to end so quickly. Not that I enjoy this period of time, but close to one month of exams has passed if you realise.

Here's what I'm planning to do in the holidays!

Travel+shopping (Thailand, US & China as always)
Learn how to play piano/classical guitar/rap some songs me like (haha)
Exercise more regularly
Work (Mom found some tutoring job for me, sec sch kids I guess I've to revise math/science again)
Social work (I WANT to do this; and the tougher the better)
Catch up with friends/family
Improve myself (sitting properly, be less vulgar and the like)
Watch serials!!!
Revamp my room! (a white heaven)
Improve make up skillzz

I don't want to spend my entire holiday on pleasurable activities. I feel like it's time that I should do something that will help improve peoples' lives, or simply just to make their day. For the past few years, I've been so self-fixated that I only care about my own enjoyment.

It's also time that I consider what I actually want in life. Not just career. When I was studying for 'A's, I asked myself why I'm doing this. And I don't have an answer. I'm certain that the answer to this question would be "to earn money" one year ago. But now, it's not that important anymore. I want to do something that is meaningful, but of course must satisfy my material needs luh. Must still be practical right?

The improving myself part is really !!!!!. I feel so misunderstood by people because of the way I behave. People who are closer to me know that I'm not what they think I am when they first meet me. But I know that I'm unfriendly because I always act like I never see someone when I actually did. I don't know why I do that. Siao. But I won't behave like this anymore. I hope.

But for now I'm just so excited because for the next 3 days I'm gonna enjoy awesome time with friends! Can't wait!

Life is beautiful

2011-11-27T23:10:00.003+08:00

Was talking to a very dear friend of mine and realise how exciting life can be. All the unexpected events that the future holds just make me feel so amped. :)

A new start.

2011-11-21T18:06:00.000+08:00